Needless to say it's been a CRAZY few days. Last Wednesday (6/5) was weekly singing boot camp. That was PAINFUL - i'm such a weakling. For cereal though. Tons of planks and leg lifts while singing. Planks and leglifts on their OWN are pretty brutal for me. I just don't have the core to do it. Anyway.. got through that + had some singing in class. Unfortunately the night before (last Tuesday night, 6/4) I'd had a pretty rough night. I decided I finally wanted to play back all my singing from last Monday night @ Martuni's. Eugh - not good.
I'll be honest, guys.. It wasn't pretty. I sat and watched it all - and from there I buckled down in tears. I hunched over started bawling over what I had just watched and heard. I completely regretted inviting friends and felt like I had completely embarrassed myself. Felt like I'm wasting my money and time entirely and that I've now ruined something that was so important to me. Why the hell did I get up there and do that?! I wanted to delete it all and MORESO - i'm pissed because I wanted to finally get to upload GOOD work onto YouTube. But no. Can't upload any of that. A few things happened (that I've recapped before).. 1) My nerves got to me, my throat closed up as I teared up when standing in front of the mic and that completely stunted my performance and ability to hit the notes as good as I know I can. 2) I was shaking so much that I didn't sing on the mic, I wasn't close enough and clearly sounded off and far away. EUGHHHHHH.
So Mad at Myself. I really wanted to showcase and post videos of my performance but in NO way can I do that. I need to only EVER publish my best - and that certainly wasn't it.
Then I watched a playback of my last Wednesday performance, where the wrong song started playing and I messed up the first verse? While yes, I messed up the first verse - the rest of it sounded awesome! I sounded like MYSELF and the way I KNOW I can hit it. That gave me a bit more of my confidence back but not much.
Fast forward to my 1:1 lesson with my epic voice coach this past Saturday, 6/8. Most of the lesson was a lot more talking through my last Monday performance. Embarrassingly enough, I started crying in front of my teacher. I told him I felt like I'd been wasting my time and that I sounded awful. He of course told me I was being way too hard on myself and that I wasn't as bad as I am describing it. He also told me that the way the nerves took over me was what he had expected. Boo. Anyway, he told me in general that what people were saying was that if I got my nerves under control, I have a pretty big voice to be unleashed.. We'll see about that.
Next up was the weekend: my boyfriend Alex, our roommate Hank, and our friend Fred and myself all went to a Karaoke Bar in San Francisco on Saturday night (Silver Clouds Karaoke). I was really scared but they dragged me out to one at around midnight after having had a few drinks :) Luckily, the entire group there was WASTED. Literally, every person who went up to sing at the mic couldn't even get out a word without drunkenly falling over and cracking up. Hank dragged me to the DJ booth and paid CASH for me to get to get up on stage and practice! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD is all I'm thinking. They call my name and I get up there and sing the HECK out of Kelly Clarkson's "Behind These Hazel Eyes," a favorite of mine. While I could definitely have done better - having drunk fans ask to get to touch my hand and tell me I was awesome was DEFINITELY a confidence booster. It made me feel comfortable to practice this again. Whew :)
See pic below:
I had a ton of fun.. as you can see below:
Next up: Voice Bootcamp tomorrow, and Martuni's Open Mic on Thursday for practice.. cross your fingers for me??
Anyway - sorry for the big post, it'd been a while so I owed you all one.
Wednesday / Thursday post to follow (hopefully).
See yaaaaaaaaaa,
Missy
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