It's been a week..

Hey all,

I know it's been a while since I last posted - and you're still in the dark as far as what happened. I'm not over this yet.. but i feel like i can talk about it now..

Here's the breakdown if you're interested:

I prepared like crazy. I practiced and practiced and practiced and practiced and practiced and practiced. Knew the lyrics in and out. Even had a 1:1 with my voice coach on Sunday, the night before the July 1st performance. We had planned on me going last out of 5 people. I was GOOD to GO. I even left work EARLY on Monday, July 1st to get home, change, prepare and feel good and ready.  When I shut down my computer and pack my backpack, I notice my palms are already sweaty and I'm moving at a fast jittery pace.

Once at home and after rehearsing for an hour, Alex offers me a drink at home to start calming my nerves - I say NO because I don't go till the end of the night and I 1) don't want to be totally drunk and 2) I don't want it to wear off by the time I go on!

I arrive at the bar, and my hands are already tingling and numb.  I ask for a glass of brandy to start calming the nerves. (And yes, of brandy. #gross. My coach recommended it because it's warm and would coat my throat). 

My hands start to tremble, tingle and completely lock up.  My 2 wrists lock forward and my hands / fingers lock into .. I don't know what to call it - Lobster claws? Crab claws? Seems like it'd be funny.. but it's NOT when you have no muscle control and you're about to perform.  I had to use the table and physically push my hands and wrists back to stop it from locking in this Lobster Claw position (both hands by the way).. but it would just snap back.  I couldn't even pick up my glass of brandy to drink it - not even when trying with 2 hands.  Claws don't do such a good job of grabbing things.  The numbness and tingling have now reached up through my elbows. I notice that my mouth and lips start to do the same. I've now lost control of the shape my lips make to say ANY words at all.. much less control the sound coming out of my mouth.  Crap. This is bad.

Then - the icing on the cake.

The people who were set to go 1st and 2nd.. hadn't arrived yet or said they didn't want to go 1st anymore. Because I was the only one sitting there and prepared - my coach asks if I'll step in to go first.  Here's my issue - i'm not a dick.  If the girl who was supposed to go first doesn't wan't to because her man isn't there yet, I'm not gonna be a dick and make her go.  But the price I pay for that is not being mentally prepared to go first and doing it anyway.  But regardless, I was still having physical panic affecting my body BEFORE this even happened. 

My voice coach calls me to start.  And yes, my mouth, throat, lips, wrists, hands, and fingers are all still locked and numb - with no muscle control at this point. I've already started to hold back the tears out of my eyes and I've tried my absolute hardest to cough or choke out any kind of a grunt or sound out of my mouth - barely anything comes out. 

The music starts, and I push through the tears and try to choke out words - my throat is closed, my voice is nowhere to be found, I can't even form my lips into the shape to say the words "I can almost see it.." (The beginning of The Climb, my first song). 
At that point, i'm force choking at words - not even at a speaking level but at a hacking out words just to get sound out - and the words aren't even correct! I had NO CONTROL over what I was doing whatsoever.  My lobster claws couldn't even grab the mic, they just stayed in their claw form through the entire thing. 

After doing this for 4 songs - and holding back swollen tears, choking out sounds that sound like a hacking and dying cat - I quickly walked away to the bathroom and sat on the floor and cried.  Completely humiliated. Ashamed of what I just did. 

How did I prepare and practice THAT much.. and this still happened?

Alex knocked on the door 20 minutes later and walked me to the car (my music binder and purse still sitting inside at the bar tables).  I sat in the car and cried and cried and cried. 

What just happened?

My claw hands didn't even allow me to brush my hair back - because they were STILL stuck 30 minutes AFTER performing.  

I got home and went to sleep crying.  I'm ashamed of myself, no.. more than that.

I'm disgusted with myself.

And now, a week later - I have my 1:1 with my voice coach tonight :-/ Not excited about that. Throughout the 4 songs, he kept leaning over to me and telling me to smile, kept telling me to take a bow.  HA - THAT was NOT gonna HAPPEN!
Eugh... we'll see how tonight goes. I'm expecting he'll want to talk about it and it's going to upset me again.


What does this all boil down to?? 
I have a problem folks. It's called having a full fledged PHYSICAL PANIC ATTACK when performing.


Awesome.


Missy