Alright.. first and foremost - I have a new love. She has a beautiful head, neck, and body..
hahaha - and she's my spankin new guitar!!!! LOOOOVE her! I traded in my super nice keyboard for a guitar (for tons of reasons, ask me about it later).
She's so beautiful. I'm starting to do lessons online and practicing everyday on top of my regular voice lesson practice. I'm SOOOO excited to learn! I want to be able to play any song that I want to sing, control the accompaniment myself AND me mobile to bring it around and sing wherever I want... Plus, after all that - I'm hoping i'll be able to write my own music.. we shall see :) In the meantime.. double duty practicing for now.. voice + guitar.
Secondly.. I'll finally talk about what I've been up to in the last week. So I got a PHONE CALL from AMERICAN IDOL. Asking me to come in and audition under a separate group (I was recommended).. I'd get to skip the line and get priority in the audition process - it was also being held at AT&T Park which is a quick walk from my house.. I guess I have no excuse now right?
I decided fine, I'll go - no expectations.. just with the idea of singing at AT&T park.. I've never really had an interest in auditioning in these shows but hey.. if I'm getting a call, get to skip the line, and it's right next to my apartment? OKAY then.
Had a great session with my amazing voice coach who prepared me for anything and everything. Said he'd be SHOCKED if I didn't make it through to live shows.. but whatever.. I'm not sure that I even really want to do American Idol, it'd be good audition experience regardless. Got there, my name was under the list for Interscope Records.. (umm.. awesome!).. got to sit in the stadium with Ryan Seacrest a few feet away.. he's all hyping the crowd, encouraging us to chase our dreams and that THIS WAS IT. My anxiety started happening right around there but I had a few people near me that were pretty outgoing and funny, they distracted me and took my mind off of the pressure.
They called us 8-10 at a time, brought us in front of the first tent where the executive producers sat and waited. It wasn't a one by one thing, it was a line up of 10 of us in a row.. each of us singing one after the other while staying in line.. and then producers pointing down the row saying "yes, no, no, no, no, yes, no"... CRAZY.
Anyway..long story short.. I did a decent job.. I'd say I did 85% of what I know I can do.. ran out of breath a couple times but hit the big notes without a problem.. they ended up not letting me past the last round because they want to go into a more country angle. No biggie.. it was an amazing experience.
Now back to practicing for Martuni's in a couple weeks! Coach is letting me repeat any song I wan (which will be ALL) and my sole and only focus is to have FUN with the crowd and perform for the AUDIENCE - to not even WORRY about my voice at all.
We'll see how that goes :)
In the meantime.. voice + guitar time every night..
For Martuni's I'm thinking of doing:
* Clarity
* Impossible
* The Climb? Distance? (haven't decided which)
* Addicted
Thoughts anybody?
Thanks!
Missy
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
"Addicted" Live Cover
So.. Another push to post something..
Again, excuse the insane amount of nerves I had.. Anxiety and panic hadn't gone away yet.
I stumbled with getting through tears and a closing airway in the beginning of the song.. But I think I found more comfort halfway through..
Click on link below to see performance video..
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
It's been a week..
Hey all,
I know it's been a while since I last posted - and you're still in the dark as far as what happened. I'm not over this yet.. but i feel like i can talk about it now..
Here's the breakdown if you're interested:
I prepared like crazy. I practiced and practiced and practiced and practiced and practiced and practiced. Knew the lyrics in and out. Even had a 1:1 with my voice coach on Sunday, the night before the July 1st performance. We had planned on me going last out of 5 people. I was GOOD to GO. I even left work EARLY on Monday, July 1st to get home, change, prepare and feel good and ready. When I shut down my computer and pack my backpack, I notice my palms are already sweaty and I'm moving at a fast jittery pace.
Once at home and after rehearsing for an hour, Alex offers me a drink at home to start calming my nerves - I say NO because I don't go till the end of the night and I 1) don't want to be totally drunk and 2) I don't want it to wear off by the time I go on!
I arrive at the bar, and my hands are already tingling and numb. I ask for a glass of brandy to start calming the nerves. (And yes, of brandy. #gross. My coach recommended it because it's warm and would coat my throat).
My hands start to tremble, tingle and completely lock up. My 2 wrists lock forward and my hands / fingers lock into .. I don't know what to call it - Lobster claws? Crab claws? Seems like it'd be funny.. but it's NOT when you have no muscle control and you're about to perform. I had to use the table and physically push my hands and wrists back to stop it from locking in this Lobster Claw position (both hands by the way).. but it would just snap back. I couldn't even pick up my glass of brandy to drink it - not even when trying with 2 hands. Claws don't do such a good job of grabbing things. The numbness and tingling have now reached up through my elbows. I notice that my mouth and lips start to do the same. I've now lost control of the shape my lips make to say ANY words at all.. much less control the sound coming out of my mouth. Crap. This is bad.
Then - the icing on the cake.
The people who were set to go 1st and 2nd.. hadn't arrived yet or said they didn't want to go 1st anymore. Because I was the only one sitting there and prepared - my coach asks if I'll step in to go first. Here's my issue - i'm not a dick. If the girl who was supposed to go first doesn't wan't to because her man isn't there yet, I'm not gonna be a dick and make her go. But the price I pay for that is not being mentally prepared to go first and doing it anyway. But regardless, I was still having physical panic affecting my body BEFORE this even happened.
My voice coach calls me to start. And yes, my mouth, throat, lips, wrists, hands, and fingers are all still locked and numb - with no muscle control at this point. I've already started to hold back the tears out of my eyes and I've tried my absolute hardest to cough or choke out any kind of a grunt or sound out of my mouth - barely anything comes out.
The music starts, and I push through the tears and try to choke out words - my throat is closed, my voice is nowhere to be found, I can't even form my lips into the shape to say the words "I can almost see it.." (The beginning of The Climb, my first song).
At that point, i'm force choking at words - not even at a speaking level but at a hacking out words just to get sound out - and the words aren't even correct! I had NO CONTROL over what I was doing whatsoever. My lobster claws couldn't even grab the mic, they just stayed in their claw form through the entire thing.
After doing this for 4 songs - and holding back swollen tears, choking out sounds that sound like a hacking and dying cat - I quickly walked away to the bathroom and sat on the floor and cried. Completely humiliated. Ashamed of what I just did.
How did I prepare and practice THAT much.. and this still happened?
Alex knocked on the door 20 minutes later and walked me to the car (my music binder and purse still sitting inside at the bar tables). I sat in the car and cried and cried and cried.
What just happened?
My claw hands didn't even allow me to brush my hair back - because they were STILL stuck 30 minutes AFTER performing.
I got home and went to sleep crying. I'm ashamed of myself, no.. more than that.
I'm disgusted with myself.
And now, a week later - I have my 1:1 with my voice coach tonight :-/ Not excited about that. Throughout the 4 songs, he kept leaning over to me and telling me to smile, kept telling me to take a bow. HA - THAT was NOT gonna HAPPEN!
Eugh... we'll see how tonight goes. I'm expecting he'll want to talk about it and it's going to upset me again.
What does this all boil down to??
I have a problem folks. It's called having a full fledged PHYSICAL PANIC ATTACK when performing.
Awesome.
Missy
I know it's been a while since I last posted - and you're still in the dark as far as what happened. I'm not over this yet.. but i feel like i can talk about it now..
Here's the breakdown if you're interested:
I prepared like crazy. I practiced and practiced and practiced and practiced and practiced and practiced. Knew the lyrics in and out. Even had a 1:1 with my voice coach on Sunday, the night before the July 1st performance. We had planned on me going last out of 5 people. I was GOOD to GO. I even left work EARLY on Monday, July 1st to get home, change, prepare and feel good and ready. When I shut down my computer and pack my backpack, I notice my palms are already sweaty and I'm moving at a fast jittery pace.
Once at home and after rehearsing for an hour, Alex offers me a drink at home to start calming my nerves - I say NO because I don't go till the end of the night and I 1) don't want to be totally drunk and 2) I don't want it to wear off by the time I go on!
I arrive at the bar, and my hands are already tingling and numb. I ask for a glass of brandy to start calming the nerves. (And yes, of brandy. #gross. My coach recommended it because it's warm and would coat my throat).
My hands start to tremble, tingle and completely lock up. My 2 wrists lock forward and my hands / fingers lock into .. I don't know what to call it - Lobster claws? Crab claws? Seems like it'd be funny.. but it's NOT when you have no muscle control and you're about to perform. I had to use the table and physically push my hands and wrists back to stop it from locking in this Lobster Claw position (both hands by the way).. but it would just snap back. I couldn't even pick up my glass of brandy to drink it - not even when trying with 2 hands. Claws don't do such a good job of grabbing things. The numbness and tingling have now reached up through my elbows. I notice that my mouth and lips start to do the same. I've now lost control of the shape my lips make to say ANY words at all.. much less control the sound coming out of my mouth. Crap. This is bad.
Then - the icing on the cake.
The people who were set to go 1st and 2nd.. hadn't arrived yet or said they didn't want to go 1st anymore. Because I was the only one sitting there and prepared - my coach asks if I'll step in to go first. Here's my issue - i'm not a dick. If the girl who was supposed to go first doesn't wan't to because her man isn't there yet, I'm not gonna be a dick and make her go. But the price I pay for that is not being mentally prepared to go first and doing it anyway. But regardless, I was still having physical panic affecting my body BEFORE this even happened.
My voice coach calls me to start. And yes, my mouth, throat, lips, wrists, hands, and fingers are all still locked and numb - with no muscle control at this point. I've already started to hold back the tears out of my eyes and I've tried my absolute hardest to cough or choke out any kind of a grunt or sound out of my mouth - barely anything comes out.
The music starts, and I push through the tears and try to choke out words - my throat is closed, my voice is nowhere to be found, I can't even form my lips into the shape to say the words "I can almost see it.." (The beginning of The Climb, my first song).
At that point, i'm force choking at words - not even at a speaking level but at a hacking out words just to get sound out - and the words aren't even correct! I had NO CONTROL over what I was doing whatsoever. My lobster claws couldn't even grab the mic, they just stayed in their claw form through the entire thing.
After doing this for 4 songs - and holding back swollen tears, choking out sounds that sound like a hacking and dying cat - I quickly walked away to the bathroom and sat on the floor and cried. Completely humiliated. Ashamed of what I just did.
How did I prepare and practice THAT much.. and this still happened?
Alex knocked on the door 20 minutes later and walked me to the car (my music binder and purse still sitting inside at the bar tables). I sat in the car and cried and cried and cried.
What just happened?
My claw hands didn't even allow me to brush my hair back - because they were STILL stuck 30 minutes AFTER performing.
I got home and went to sleep crying. I'm ashamed of myself, no.. more than that.
I'm disgusted with myself.
And now, a week later - I have my 1:1 with my voice coach tonight :-/ Not excited about that. Throughout the 4 songs, he kept leaning over to me and telling me to smile, kept telling me to take a bow. HA - THAT was NOT gonna HAPPEN!
Eugh... we'll see how tonight goes. I'm expecting he'll want to talk about it and it's going to upset me again.
What does this all boil down to??
I have a problem folks. It's called having a full fledged PHYSICAL PANIC ATTACK when performing.
Awesome.
Missy
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)